r/funny UnnecessaryInventions 8d ago

I invented unnecessary products and today I made the Cob Quicky.

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145k Upvotes

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6k

u/CurlSagan 8d ago

Just in time for Father's Day!

1k

u/TheFrenchPasta 8d ago

Perfect, especially with a "Miso Corny" apron.

295

u/nerfed_potential 8d ago

These should come together in a combo pack. Some of this guy's stuff would actually sell I think. I would buy this.

53

u/agasizzi 8d ago

In a world where truck nuts are as popular as they are, this guy could definitely make some money

10

u/DaniJHollis 7d ago

I hate that I knew exactly what you were talking about when you said Truck Nuts.

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u/aledba 8d ago

There are a few things I've seen from this guy that I would buy

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u/wesgtp 8d ago

He would seriously make a killing if he could produce some of these cheaply. His stuff would be the go-to for gag gifts or just funny things we want to own ourselves.

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u/belowspot 8d ago

Or Valentines Day. A sad-sad Valentines Day.

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u/summonsays 8d ago

O.o I know there's a pandemic but it's a little bit past V day my friend.

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u/Maybe_worth 8d ago

It’s next Saturday in Brazil

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u/PizzaurusRex 8d ago

As a Brazilian, June 12, I agree. Wife already talking about it.

Here we call it "boy/girlfriend day"... "Lovers' day" seems better.

I tell her "sheesh we're married, you're not my girlfriend anymore, quit it already".

(But I already have a gift hidden and made plans, I don't wanna get murdered.)

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u/the_dude_upvotes 8d ago

I don't wanna get murdered

And yet you live in Brazil? /s

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u/PizzaurusRex 8d ago

Maybe I do the murdering! Whaddya think bout that huh funny guy?

/S because mom might be reading this. Sorry mom! It is just a joke! i'll behave! No need to get the flip flop! Or tell my wife!

Send help. Better yet, send a ship or plane to get me out of Brazil

15

u/the_dude_upvotes 8d ago

Touché

Lucky for me I can make murderers laugh and escape the murdering

29

u/PizzaurusRex 8d ago

I like you. I'll murder you last.

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u/summonsays 8d ago

Oh nice! TIL. Thank you.

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u/remotetissuepaper 8d ago

When you want to butter your cob, but want it to feel like a stranger is doing it

3k

u/Doctor_Nutsack 8d ago

I just sit on my hand for a bit

2k

u/action_lawyer_comics 8d ago

Ever hear of the Reverse Stranger? Same general concept, but you sit on your dick instead. Then it feels like you’re jerking a stranger off.

129

u/BunchOCrunch 8d ago

I wish my dick was big enough to sit on...

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u/Embarrassed-Ad-1639 8d ago

Just get a stranger to sit on it. The “double reverse stranger” or “stranger danger”.

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u/sickleavegames 8d ago

If you sit on both, you can just watch and do the Voyeur instead!

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u/Everyday4k 8d ago

paint your nails first and it looks like a girl is doing it

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u/Seeminus 8d ago

Look at this guy bragging a out being big enough to sit on his own junk.

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u/its-42 8d ago

Are the thumb and index finger adjustable for smaller…uh corn cobs?

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u/snausagesinablanket 8d ago

use 2 sticks of butter

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u/chrisk9 8d ago

Just don't do it without the butter attachment - ouch

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u/DiligentTraining2 8d ago

Usually the stuff he makes is pretty corny but this looks legit

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u/DoobyScrew 8d ago

Can you make one for umm smaller corn? Asking for a friend.

4k

u/tewnewt 8d ago

And how about a left one? Asking for an imaginary friend.

3k

u/djhatrick12 8d ago edited 8d ago

It’d feel like someone else is buttering your cob

Edit: grammar

524

u/din7 8d ago

A stranger.

250

u/fingerscrossedcoup 8d ago

You just sit on it till it goes numb

147

u/awkwardmystic 8d ago

Don’t think the cob would be very comfortable to sit on

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u/boomsc 8d ago

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u/orchibaldo 8d ago

Hold my corn, I'm going in!

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u/hzfan 8d ago

Hold my penis

anyone

pls

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u/khiron 8d ago

Ok, now what?

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u/hzfan 8d ago

Idk I never thought I’d get this far

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u/[deleted] 8d ago

[deleted]

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u/Stompedyourhousewith 8d ago

they don't call it the cornhole for nothing

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u/TheCarrot_v2 8d ago

TIL corn goes numb when you sit on it.

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u/DumbledoresGay69 8d ago

Never tried this. Does it work?

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u/Iroc_ZL1 8d ago

The stranger? Not well. The problem is you lose dexterity when you lose feeling and it also only lasts seconds.

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u/Ruroni17 8d ago

That’s my purse, I DON’T KNOW YOU!!!

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u/mullingthingsover 8d ago

That boy ain’t right.

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u/DoobyScrew 8d ago

Just rotate it the reverse grip corn buttering can be very effective.

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u/ThouReaper 8d ago

Ahh the good old western grip

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u/Alithis_ 8d ago

What you need is one for each hand, and two cobs on each side lined up tip-to-tip to increase efficiency

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u/ccguy 8d ago

Call it Middle Out. Figure the cob-to-floor distance. Call it C2F.

30

u/Mosesmanofsteel01 8d ago

Do you know how long it would take you to butter every Cob in this room? Because I know how long it would take me.

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u/rightcoastguy UnnecessaryInventions 8d ago

Pics of your friends corn?

844

u/PM_Me_Your_Grain 8d ago

I've been trying to get people to send me their grain for years. Tough crowd.

197

u/Fear_Jeebus 8d ago

Five years.

Username checks out.

151

u/worst_user_name_ever 8d ago

This is why I reddit. Every so often you find yourself watching a corn on the cob get jacked off with butter while a 5 year user with the perfect user name finally hits the big grain.

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u/The___Jackal 8d ago

What do you know about perfect usernames?

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u/Futuristick-Reddit 8d ago

Has your life been building up to this comment

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u/_Forgotten 8d ago

Stop asking to see your friends corn and just go to cornhub like the rest of us.

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u/feanturi 8d ago

"Why is there popcorn all over the livingroom floor? Billy! Have you been on CornHub again??"

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u/thelazycanoe 8d ago

So y'know baby corn? That's what we're talking

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u/rodman517 8d ago

…and one with the husk not cut off?

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u/Gsteel11 8d ago

Cob Quickly: Unhuskercized

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u/Arglefarb 8d ago

If you build it, he will come…

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u/Honda_Driver_2015 8d ago

again and again and again... maybe twice an hr

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u/horseradishking 8d ago

But he'll probably just turn over and go to sleep.

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u/artlusulpen 8d ago

Can you also do one with bigger spikes?

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u/Azsunyx 8d ago

S'rong W'chu

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u/asnaylor 8d ago

Oh my god, I’ve just found my Vulcan name 😃

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u/rhet17 8d ago

You did see the metal prongs in the fake hand yes? That's a big risk.

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u/mpwrd 8d ago

Just don’t run out of butter.

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u/DriedUpSquid 8d ago

Pleasure spiked with pain.

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u/mackass17 8d ago

Your corncob is my aeroplane

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u/ShavenYak42 8d ago

Or pleasure pained with spikes

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u/mumblesnorez 8d ago

Well you'd obviously still put the butter in there

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u/SteveBored 8d ago

Seems a weird thing to ask. I'd like one hand crafted to fit my penis though. What's his contact details?

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u/surajvj 8d ago

This is literally 'Porn on the cob'.

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u/bluemitersaw 8d ago

CornHub for the corn enthusiast

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u/[deleted] 8d ago

[deleted]

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u/googolplexy 8d ago

Haha, you're literally right.

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u/Doctor_Nutsack 8d ago

Or one that looks like a foot instead of a hand? For… reasons

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u/mscott8088 8d ago

Cool. Now my actual hands won't be all buttery after buttering my corn on the cob.

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u/NoMaans 8d ago

D..do you hold the butter like this when you slather the cob?

460

u/xXtaradeeXx 8d ago

Do you not?

187

u/lorenzomofo 8d ago

It’s a borrowed reflex from my other hobby.

95

u/jagoble 8d ago

Applying wood stain to freshly turned baseball bats?

15

u/420CowboyTrashGoblin 8d ago

Naw, probably waxing his quarterstaff.

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u/Notentirely-accurate 8d ago

It's easier to stuff butter in your mouth and deep throat the cob.

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u/frietchinees69 8d ago

But you'd need another handy tool to not touch the butter when you put it in this jerker-offer thingy...

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u/Slugggo 8d ago

As Seen On CornHub

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u/DanishWonder 8d ago

or FarmersOnly.com

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u/DistantWeeb 8d ago edited 8d ago

Nah, its called OnlyFarmers.Com.

Edit: holy shit this is my most upvoted comment

103

u/PontentialJev 8d ago

What about XVegetables?

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u/banus 8d ago

Corn-stealing whores!

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u/beermoneymike 8d ago

As seen in HUSKER magazine

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u/jarediledundee 8d ago

That's how you get creamed corn

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u/AdamInChainz 8d ago

It will make his corn pop.

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u/Freddit- 8d ago

Corn pop was a bad dude.

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u/the_leprechauns_anus 8d ago

C'mon Jack, that's malarkey.

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u/LegendOfBobbyTables 8d ago

This is maybe the first of your "useless" inventions I'd actually buy. Seeing people's reaction when I bust this thing out at the cookout would be worth a little money.

3k

u/ErikTheAngry 8d ago

Imagine jerking off a bunch of corn in front of the family. Never breaking eye contact.

1k

u/knightofterror 8d ago

This device is ideal for church picnics.

488

u/Sir_Loin_Cloth 8d ago

Please give them to the priests.

725

u/thaeyo 8d ago

They have enough practice with baby corn.

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u/stupidbeagle 8d ago

"Hey Father... want your corn buttered?"

Priest: * look away meme *

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u/die-jarjar-die 8d ago

Reminds me of this classic skit

https://youtu.be/BkgMbU-we1o

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u/InsideVoid 8d ago

I forgot about this video. Damnit now I have to go to watch all their stuff again.

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u/Ibuyrealjaysaswell 8d ago

you actually made me grin and exhale thru my nose and today has been a shit day so thanks man!

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u/Sharcbait 8d ago

Ohhn yeah baby get all the crevices!

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u/PublicfreakoutLoveR 8d ago

"I'M GONNA NEED SOME MORE BUTTER OVER HERE, MA"

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u/[deleted] 8d ago

[deleted]

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u/Plantdas 8d ago

Agreed, my family would love this and I want one.

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u/captaincrunch00 8d ago

I want to send one to my entire family.

Anonymously of course.

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u/PathologicalLoiterer 8d ago

Spencer's will be selling them within the month.

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u/Ocronus 8d ago

Idea stolen from this dude while keeping all the profit.

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u/jterp213 8d ago

Please sell this so I can buy it as a gag gift

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u/Astan92 8d ago

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u/losingstreak838 8d ago

$1000 for a gag gift

148

u/pizzafourlife 8d ago

I want the 12 membership card. mostly for how annoyed my wife will be looking for important things in my wallet lol

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u/Duosion 8d ago

The design is pretty slick too

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u/IJustMadeThisForYou 8d ago

I actually had one just like it. The holes were actually a weed grinder. Was pretty cool.

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u/iushciuweiush 8d ago

If you're going to be a cheapskate then I guess you'll have to wait for it to land in the store: https://shop.unnecessaryinventions.com/collections/inventions

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u/NightKing48 8d ago

Might be a bit overpriced for that tho...

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u/about90frogs 8d ago

That price says “I don’t want to make another one, but if you REALLY want it, I will.”

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u/laralye 8d ago edited 8d ago

Yeah plus a lot of companies send him cease and desists as if he's going to sell these products, so he can legally do commissions if someone asks since it'd technically be set art* and not a product lol.

18

u/WillWorkForBongWater 8d ago

Who's sending him the cease and desist order on this one? Adam. Adam from The Garden of Eden. There was some time there before Eve.

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u/IamAWorldChampionAMA 8d ago

I think crocs did

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u/Philosofox 8d ago

Who hasn't spent money on something stupid? At least this goes directly to the creator's buttery pockets.

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u/PublicfreakoutLoveR 8d ago

Your friends will think you're a jackoff.

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u/petSnake7 8d ago

One hell of a wanker

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u/stillalivecooliguess 8d ago

Masturbation jokes aside, this is by no means an unnecessary product. A well buttered COTC is a bbq necessity 11/10

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u/JacobiousPrime 8d ago

This is cornography, where's the nsfw tag?

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u/RTSUPH 8d ago

Does it vibrate to get that butter in those crevices?

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u/odin_the_wiggler 8d ago

Put it on the end of a shake weight while you ride your Asspounder 4000.

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u/paranoidandroid11 8d ago

It's not a dick, it's a fist.

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u/Midwest_Dad85 8d ago

In its lifetime, this product will butter exactly zero cobs of corn…

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u/Snarfsicle 8d ago

Spiked for your pleasure.

244

u/din7 8d ago

I'm so corny right now...

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u/fnd84 8d ago

Rita corny Michael!

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u/braintrustinc 8d ago

Amaizing the amount of puns on this husk of a website these days

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u/SmartestCatHooman 8d ago

Already buttered one in the video!

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u/Shaneblaster 8d ago

What are you talking about? That’s how I butter my “corn”

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u/CONaderCHASER 8d ago

It’s already buttered one

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u/Affectionate-Boot-96 8d ago

This is not unnecessary. If you have too many friends and people think you're allright, whip out this thing

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u/ladyoffate13 8d ago

That’s right, whip it out and start rubbing away!

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u/JangoDarkSaber 8d ago

How to get the in laws to leave early

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u/cheeseburger720 8d ago

Do the Croc gloves fit on it?

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u/Neon_Carnivore 8d ago

Asking the important questions.

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u/Much_Beautiful_7156 8d ago

wow nice dude. nothing like a good old hand cob.

72

u/Nasty2017 8d ago

Hand cobs are amaizing.

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u/phalewail 8d ago

I didn't expect to see hardcore corn on here.

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u/Thadd305 8d ago

Think you’re onto something with this one

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u/53withtrollhair 8d ago

I don't want to speak for anyone else, but in my honest opinion- Never Change.

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u/hankinArlen 8d ago

so this is what Aaron Rodgers is doing these days

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u/Fezthegreat 8d ago

offseason must be tough

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u/Pisto1Peet 8d ago

This is the real reason why he wants out of Green Bay. He wants to pursue hiss entrepreneurial career.

8

u/deviouspineapple 8d ago

Thats why he hasn't been to practice dontcha know

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u/FamousSunday 8d ago

Seriously... why didn't you go with the CobJob. Either way, hilarious.

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u/Overpaid_pharmacist 8d ago

You need to patent little cups to go into the butter groove and cash in on the refills like Keurig. Start with some butter refills for it, then partner with KY to start making some KY-cups that have different lubes

16

u/degjo 8d ago

Different flavors for your corn, right?

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u/brothers1201 8d ago

Hands down, wait Hands up, nope Hands down...oh fuck it best invention ever!

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u/HellsNels 8d ago

HandCobbTM

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u/moosedownjacket 8d ago

This might be your best one yet! 😂

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u/lynivvinyl 8d ago

I gotta give you a hand this is your best job yet.

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u/relddir123 8d ago

Time to add “buttering the corn” to the list of euphemisms

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u/Couchmaster007 8d ago

Never realized how phallic corn is

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u/Dasbythebay 8d ago

Leaves a sticky residue, just like the real thing

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u/MacGyverMacGuffin 8d ago

You've made a mistake. This product may actually be necessary, or at least legitimately useful.

In fact, I'm getting excited thinking about it right now.

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u/Beefer_Jones 8d ago

thought this was Aaron Rodgers jerking off corn at first

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u/frivelousendeavors 8d ago

why is aaron rogers doing this with his free time?

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u/oneplusetoipi 8d ago

Strongly recommending to not run out of butter

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u/urboismeme 8d ago

I knew exactly what this comment section was gonna be

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u/CarCaste 8d ago

I want to buy it as a wedding gift

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u/mollymoon88 8d ago

An “old fashioned” way of butterin’ yer cob

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u/diamondsam2 8d ago

Idk what it is, but im getting weird vibes from this

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u/johnmarkfoley 8d ago

if you want to make it extra unnecessary, but a slice of buttered bread in the hand.

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u/I_Like_Quiet 8d ago

Only way to butter corn is the war games way.

https://youtu.be/btZi6EiIXbY

(Of course you it needs to be cooked.)

If you are doing it on a larger scale, get a crock pot full of butter and just dip it in.

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u/dupek1986 8d ago

100% he tested it on his dick.

21

u/LeadingNectarine 8d ago

I've never heard of that variety of corn.

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u/portablebiscuit 8d ago

If OP has the girth of a corn cob I'm:

  1. Impressed
  2. Intrigued
  3. Intimidated
  4. Envious
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u/Finest_Johnson 8d ago

Porn on the Cob.